


always and forever

by itotallyreadthatbook



Category: To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018), Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - To All the Boys I've Loved Before, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Kiss, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-31
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-07-05 00:45:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15852786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itotallyreadthatbook/pseuds/itotallyreadthatbook
Summary: What if all the crushes you ever had found out how you felt about them… all at once?Sixteen-year-old Keith Akira Song keeps his writing in a notebook his mother gave him years ago.There are five pages he would never share with anyone. One for every boy he’s ever loved—five in all. When he writes, he pours out his heart and soul and says all the things he would never say in real life, because this notebook is for his eyes only. Until the day these five pages are mailed, and suddenly, Keith’s love life goes from imaginary to out of control.





	1. part i.

**Author's Note:**

> a couple of disclaimers: some parts I’ve literally taken from the movie, others will be changed or removed completely. just know I don’t own the Netflix movie or the book series. I’ve also changed the names of the characters (obviously), some of the personalities, and some minor events. I’ve also not read the full book series yet, but I’ve seen the movie dozens of times now.  
> have fun reading!

“ _Love is scary: it changes; it can go away. That’s the part of the risk. I don’t want to be scared anymore._ ”  
\-- Jenny Han, To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before

*****  
*****

_The Forbidden Kiss. We knew that it was wrong, that he was betrothed to my sister. But if this wasn’t what he wanted, then why did he come to the field of desire? It was fated that we should meet like this._

Keith’s reading is suddenly over when someone rudely throws a pillow onto his head.

“Hey!” he yells, slamming the book shut. He angrily glares as Pidge, who is standing in his doorway.

“Are we hanging out or what?” She holds another pillow in her hands, ready to throw.

Keith removes his foot from the wall and sits straight. “I just wanna finish this chapter,” he mumbles. Pidge is about to say something back, probably insult him, but the sound of dishes clattering downstairs stops her.

“Should we go down and help her?” Keith asks her just as Shiro appears in the doorway.

Shiro shakes his head. “You know she wants to do it herself, but you can help me set the table.”

As they walk downstairs, Pidge says, “When your mum makes Korean food, it always tastes a little… off.”

“You can say it’s disgusting. That’s what I do,” Keith says. Not loud enough for his mum to hear though. He’d never hurt her feelings like that.

 

Years ago, when Keith’s dad died while working as a firefighter, his mum was heartbroken. Two years ago, she decided that she was going to remake the dishes Keith’s dad liked to make. But sadly, she never succeeded in it.  
Pidge, their next door neighbour who Keith pretty much sees as his little sister, comes over to eat dinner multiple times a week. And since Krolia tries to make Korean dishes multiple times a week, Pidge often has the misfortune to have the ability to try them all.

 

Keith puts his novel on the small table next to the grand white stairs, as someone knocks on the door.

“Am I too late?” Adam asks as he quickly throws his shoes somewhere near the stairs. “I was watching documentaries about pilots but I ended up falling asleep.”

  
Shiro kisses him on the cheek. “No, we were just about to start.”

Keith crosses his arms and leans against the wall as Adam greets his mum and Pidge. Adam high fives Keith as he passes by, grinning. Keith stares at him as he walks away and takes a seat next to Shiro. Years ago, he and Adam were best friends. But ever since he started dating his brother Shiro… Well, everything changed.

Krolia is aggressively stabbing the piece of meat. “I don’t get it,” she says. “Usually it’s way easier to cut.”

“It’s supposed to fall off the bone,” Keith mumbles, head resting on his hands. Adam and Pidge snicker.

Shiro stands up and grabs the plate out of his mum’s hands. “You know what, I’ll just do it with the electric knife. Be right back.” He disappears into the kitchen.

Pidge stares at his disappearing form. “I can’t believe we’re not going to see him until Thanksgiving.”

Krolia shoots her a pitying look. “It’s going to be Christmas, sweetheart. Scotland’s too far to come back just for Thanksgiving.”

Wait. “ _What_?” Keith exclaims. “Are you kidding? We’re not going to see him until fucking _Christmas_?”

“Let’s look at the bright side,” his mum says, “you can now take Shiro’s motorcycle to school every day.”

“Who’s supposed to drive me to school then?” Pidge says.

Adam clasps his hands. “Well, I’m not going to be disappearing, I’ll be right next door. I’ll drive you.”

“Or,” Pidge says, with an evil glint in her eyes, “I can drive, and if we get pulled over we’ll switch places real quick.”

“That’s an amazing idea, honey,” Krolia says. Keith rolls his eyes. Sometimes he can’t believe that his mum supports all of Pidge’s crazy ideas.

Shiro puts the plate with the meat down on the table. It’s cut now. “What did I miss?” he asks.

“We were talking about how Keith is going to steal your motorcycle,” Pidge says. Keith shoots her a look.

Adam laughs. “Yeah, we were. But we were also talking about aeroplanes. Which, speaking of, I have a surprise for you.” He searches the pockets of his jacket that’s hanging over his chair. He finds what he’s looking for and hands Shiro a piece of paper.  
“Since you can’t come home for Thanksgiving, I figured I’d come to you.” When Shiro doesn’t visibly react, Adam continues. “It’s a plane ticket! I’m coming to Scotland!”

“Look at Adam stepping up!” Krolia applauds. Keith smiles. He wishes he had a boyfriend like Shiro does.

All the colour has drained from Shiro’s face. “You… you already paid for this?”

Pidge’s eyes shoot from Shiro to Adam, as if she’s figuring something out. Keith tries to make eye contact with her. Maybe she gets what is going on?

“Yeah, I had a Google alert set for flights as soon as I knew you were accepted into that school in Scotland.” Adam pauses. “Why?’

“Oh god,” Pidge mutters, suddenly seeing the whole picture.

Shiro clears his throat, not saying anything. Pidge tries to clear the tension in the room by complimenting the food and Krolia goes along with it.

 

Adam and Shiro have been together for the past two years. But before they got in a relationship, Keith and Adam were best friends. They could talk about anything and they understood each other on a level only childhood friends can.  
They didn’t stop being friends when Shiro and Adam got together. It was just… different. Because Adam and Shiro--or Shadam, as Pidge likes to call them--didn’t want Keith to feel left out, they invited Keith to everything they did, like dates. It was really awkward, Keith felt like a third wheel the whole time.  
It’s not that he wanted to steal Shiro’s boyfriend. After all he’s been through, he deserves a great guy like Adam. And so Keith did what he always did when he was feeling an intense emotion: he wrote about it. He was never going to send it or show it to anyone, obviously. When Keith wrote something, it was just for him. It made him understand better what he was feeling.  
Things would have been so much easier if he had realised how he felt about Adam sooner.

 

“You’re making me look like the bad guy!” Shiro crosses his arms. Keith can see him and Adam arguing on the driveway from where he’s hiding in his room.

“Uh, duh! Do you know how hard that was? I only want the best for you, Takashi. With your condition, you shouldn’t go out there anyways. And certainly not with Matt and Sam.”

“Well, you shouldn’t have given that ticket in front of them,” Shiro persists.

Adam looks like he wants to yell something back, but he inhales a deep breath. When he speak again, Keith’s heart breaks. “How important am _I_ to you, Takashi?”

 

Keith can’t watch this anymore. He goes to his closet and turns the lights on. He shoves a couple of sweaters to the side and fishes a black notebook out of the closet. This notebook holds all of his writing. All his emotions. The notebook is his most secret possession.

He has divided all his writing into categories. School, crushes, life realisations, so on.  
On the subject of crushes, there are five pages total. For every crush one. Rolo from Camp; Lance from seventh grade; Acxa from Homecoming; Lotor Ambrose from Model UN; and Adam.  
Rereading his writing reminds him of how all-consuming his emotions can be. Even though he doesn’t look like it, with all the black and leather he wears, he’s a romantic underneath it all. One look at all the books he reads proves that.

 

“What are you doing?” Shiro asks. He’s standing in the doorway.

“Nothing.” Keith quickly shoves the notebook under his bed.

Shiro gives him a look but says nothing. He drags the huge cardboard box he’s holding into Keith’s room and unceremoniously drops it on the ground. “Your room is a mess,” he declares.

 _Not as big as a mess as your love life_ , Keith thinks. But he doesn’t say it. Not yet, anyways.

Shiro climbs on Keith’s bed and just stares at the ceiling. Okay, that is not normal behaviour. Shiro is normally pretty easygoing and happy. The fight with Adam must have been pretty bad.

“Are you okay?” Keith asks. He lies down on the bed beside him.

“Yes...” A pause. “Well. I don’t know. I just broke up with Adam.”

Keith shoots upright. “You did _what_? Why?”

“Multiple reasons,” Shiro says. “Before dad died, he said I should never go to college with a boyfriend. Or well, he said girlfriend. But you get what I mean. And I also don’t think it’s fair that Adam has to deal with my worsening condition.”

Keith looks at him. “But you love him.”

“I know.”

“So… do you think you might change your mind?” Keith carefully asks.

Shiro pushes himself up so he can sit with his back to the wall next to Keith. “No,” he says, his voice quivering. “No.” Steadier this time. “It’s over.”

Apparently he’s done talking about it now, because he not-so-subtly changes the subject. “So when I was packing for college, I had mum make a box of things to take to Goodwill. I think you should do it too.”

Keith just decides to go along with it. It’s not like he can get Shiro to talk now. “I don’t think there’s anything I can part with at the moment,” he says, looking around his room. It’s a bit messy, but he likes it that way.

Shiro sighs. “Keith, I’m leaving for Scotland tomorrow. You’re going to be the big kid here now. I know Pidge is not officially your younger sibling, but with Matt and her father leaving, she’ll be hanging around here a lot more often. Be a good role model. That means a clean room, yeah?”

Keith groans and lies down on the bed again. “Can we go back to talking about how you’re sad?”

*****  
*****

Shiro always says when something is no longer useful, you either donate it, recycle it, or throw it away. Keith knew he felt that way about objects, but… he didn’t think Shiro could feel that way about a person.

He spots Adam on the other side of the fence when they get in the car to take Shiro to the airport. Trying not to stare at him, Keith quickly gets in the car.

At the airport, Shiro hugs Keith like his life depends on it. “I’m gonna miss you, you know that? Are you going to be okay?”

Keith shoves his glasses in his hair so he can look at Shiro directly. “Did you have to pick the furthest college you could think of?” He’s vaguely aware of his mother’s presence hovering nearby, but he ignores her. “Who can I eat lunch with?”

Shiro smiles at him. “You could make more friends, for example. See this as an opportunity to branch out.” When Keith continues shaking his head, he says, “It’s junior year. You never know what could happen.”

“That’s kind of what I’m afraid of,” Keith mumbles.

“If you need me, I’m a Skype call away,” Shiro continues as if he didn’t hear Keith.

Keith crosses his arms. That doesn’t seem very likely. “Until you start going to pubs and eating haggis with your Scottish friends.”

“Please, I’ll never eat haggis.” Shiro scrunches his nose.

At that moment, Krolia decides she needs a hug too. “Come here, sweetheart.” Keith jumps in on the hug too. He doesn’t often initiate them, but he sure loves a good hug.

“Alright, alright, I gotta go,” Shiro says after a moment. He grabs his suitcase and walks through the gate.

“Think she will turn around?” Keith asks. Krolia just sighs.

“No, that’s not Shiro.”


	2. part ii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith's life turns upside down when his crushes receive their letters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!!  
> here I am, posting on time. woah.  
> but school starts for me tomorrow, so idk how that goes with writing.  
> have fun reading!

When Keith comes home, he decides to follow Shiro’s advice and tidy up his room. It’s a long process, with all the dragging clothes around, stopping to take a nap in the midst of all this chaos, rereading books he found again. 

  
  


The next day, his mum takes a picture of him on the front porch before he takes off to school. This year, Pidge is on the picture too, and Pidge’s mum is also taking pictures. Keith does this with Shiro every year, but now Shiro is gone, Krolia asked Pidge if she wanted to join as well. Pidge’s mum was so excited that she decided to come too. 

 

“Smile, sweethearts,” Krolia says as she takes a picture. Keith is holding a little chalkboard that says ‘Grade 11’ while Pidge is holding one that says ‘Grade 9’. 

 

“Keith, this will only take a minute. Now smile,” Colleen says. One thing Keith loves about her is that she takes absolutely none of his shit. 

As Pidge laughs and says cheese, Keith musters the tiniest smile he can manage. He hates getting his picture taken. 

 

“Are you ready to go?” Krolia asks. Keith nods and picks up his helmet from the ground. “Drive safe, I gotta go.” Krolia gives both Keith and Pidge a kiss on the forehead.

 

Colleen does the same. “We need to have dinner at ours some time this week,” she says before disappearing into her car. 

 

Keith makes sure his backpack sits right on his shoulders before he speeds away. In the mirror, he sees Pidge getting picked up by a big guy with an orange bandana from their school. Although, this guy looks about the same age as Keith. And he might actually recognise him from Physics class. Well, Keith just has to ask her about it later. 

  
  


Once at school, Keith avoids Adam’s look when he walks past his locker. The halls are decorated with banners that say ‘Welcome back!’ in a cheery font.  _ Chinatown _ by Wild Nothing blasts in Keith’s ears. In the end, Keith ends up turning around and waving awkwardly at Adam. 

But then he bumps into someone. 

 

“Ow! Excuse you,” a voice says.  _ Oh no _ . Everyone but her. 

 

“Oh, hi Nyma,” Keith says. He  _ so _ doesn’t want to talk to her. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”

 

Nyma frowns and crosses her arms. “Oh, it’s you.”

  
  


Nyma and Keith used to be friends, good friends even. But after middle school, for reasons having to do with her popularity and his lack thereof, they are now definitely not.

 

“Nice boots,” Nyma says, shooting a look at Keith’s army boots. “Thank you so much for your service.” She salutes sarcastically. 

 

Keith rolls his eyes. “Can I just wear these shoes if I want to, or does literally  _ everything _ bother you?”

 

From behind him, Keith feels the presence of another person. “And they’re amazing! Keith can totally pull them off,” his best friend Romelle says. 

 

A lock of her blonde hair dyed pink, a hat on top; dressed in black shorts with knee high socks; white shirt; black vest. Romelle stands out a little, but Keith doesn’t mind. He stands out as well. 

Nyma, on the other hand, blends perfectly in. Long golden hair and designer clothes, she is the textbook picture of an American high school girl.  

 

Romelle finishes her statement. “But for you, my dearest cousin, well, let’s just say it’s probably a good thing you’re playing it safe with those Uggs.”

 

Romelle. Keith’s best (and only) friend. Also, Nyma’s cousin. 

 

“Know what, Elle? Screw you, you know my feet always get cold,” Nyma angrily says. Keith notices that her boyfriend walks their way, ready to give her a hug. 

 

“Hey,” he says, wrapping his arms around her. “How you doin’?”

  
  


Remember Lance, the second one of Keith’s crushes? That’s this Lance. Nyma’s Lance. 

It was seventh grade, and it was Keith’s first real boy-girl party. They played spin the bottle. Everyone knew that Lance and Nyma, who at the time was still friends with Keith, only wanted to kiss each other. 

When the bottle Keith spun landed on Lance, Nyma shot him a look. 

 

_ “I can spin it again,” Keith offered.  _

 

_ Lance shrugged. Somehow, it didn’t really look like he was regretting all of this. “Well, you can’t cheat the bottle.” _

 

_ Then, Keith and Lance kissed in a way that was typically seventh grade: their lips touching for only a fraction of a second, eyes screwed shut.  _

_ But Nyma was still shocked. It almost looked like her jaw had unhinged from the rest of her face, that’s how far open her mouth was.  _

  
  


“So, I was just complimenting Keith on his government-issued boots,” Nyma says to Lance, as if she wasn’t almost throwing a fit with Romelle, who rolls her eyes. “Oh, I see someone we need to say hi to. Bye.” And with that, Nyma disappears into the crowd. 

 

“What…?” Lance sighs. He turns back to Keith. “She has stopped drinking caffeine for some diet, I think she’s in withdrawal, so…” As if he doesn’t know Nyma always behaves like this. 

 

“Are you sure she doesn’t have chemical imbalance?” Keith asks, raising an eyebrow. It’s almost sad how Lance is still willing to defend Nyma after all these years. 

 

Lance shoots him a look, clearly not impressed. “Right.” He turns around and goes to find Nyma. 

 

“Thanks for helping me out,” Keith says. He’s glad he has a friend like Romelle who will stick up for him, no matter what. 

 

“I wasn’t going to let my cousin trash talk about you.” She wraps an arm around his shoulders. “Come on.” 

 

*****   
*****

 

During lunch, Keith takes back what he thought about Romelle. She’s not here right now, at one of the most crucial times of the day. Where in the world can he sit when he doesn’t have any friends? Nobody would want to be friends with him, anyway. The piercings, leather jackets and the motorcycle mostly scare them off. 

 

He fishes his phone out of his pockets and stuff his earbuds in. When he puts his playlist on shuffle,  _ You’re Not Good Enough _ by Blood Orange plays. 

 

Keith looks around the cafeteria a couple more times. He spots Nyma and Lance sitting in the middle of a group of people, laughing and whispering to each other. Keith rolls his eyes and sends Romelle a text.

 

**kogayne** : ellie where u at??

**romellethegenerous** : had a subway craving!!

 

The string of emojis that follows only makes Keith groan. He wishes he didn’t have friends who leave campus only to get some sandwich. 

 

So begins Keith’s search for a place to eat. His first idea is the library, but once he sits down and eats his carrots, people give him looks for being too loud. 

He decides that the bleachers are also good to sit. But there’s one problem, he sees when he arrives. Adam.

 

“Is this seat taken?” Keith asks when Adam spots him, putting down his book. It’s too late to run now. 

 

Adam pulls out his earbuds and closes his book. “Yes, by you.”

 

Keith is just sitting down when Adam’s dam breaks. “Sorry, but I have to ask. Did he tell you he was going to do it? Because Shiro once told me you guys talk about everything.”

 

Oh god. Keith shakes his head. “He didn’t tell me about this.” 

 

Adam sighs and looks away. “Well, we’re still cool, right? We can still talk, and, you know, kick it.”

 

Keith laughs and shakes his head. “Ugh, don’t say ‘kick it’. But to answer your question: yes, we are cool.” 

 

“Good.” Adam picks up his book again. 

 

Suddenly Keith thinks of the carrots in his bag, the reason he was thrown out of the library. “Do you want a carrot?”

 

Adam holds his hand out, and it’s like they’re ten years old all over again. Sitting in the playground and sharing food and stories.

 

While Keith still likes Adam a little, he would never betray Shiro like that. So when Adam holds out an earbud so Keith can listen to a new album of a band Adam’s obsessed with, he shuffles closer. But not too close. 

 

*****   
*****   
  


As Pidge and Keith are walking to the parking spaces, Pidge rambles about her day at school. 

 

“For some reason I always forget how fucking huge the cafeteria is. There were so many people. I’m always a little stressed out by the sheer number. But Hunk helped me work on ideas for a new robot and he distracted me a little bit, so that was really cool.”

 

Keith thinks about how he’s freaked out by large crowds too, and how he and Pidge are lot alike. He’s happy Pidge has found someone who can distract and help her. It surely is a better alternative than sitting with your brother’s ex-boyfriend. 

They reach Keith’s motorcycle and Pidge declares that she will wait here for Hunk. Keith puts on his helmet and gets ready to drive home. 

 

“Woah, woah!” someone yelps. Keith’s eyes widen and he skirts to a stop. Like the dumbass he is, he forgot to look if someone crossed the street before driving away. And now he has almost hit someone with his bike. And not just someone, no. Lance McClain.

 

Lance stands right in front of Keith’s bike, not moving an inch. He taps his foot on the ground, clearly waiting for something. After a couple of seconds, Keith’s gets the hint and he pulls off his helmet. 

 

“You know, people usually check before they race off the parking lot, to avoid killing others. It’s a thing we do.” Despite the fact that Keith nearly killed him, he sounds awfully calm. Why is he being so nice about it?

 

“I wasn’t paying attention. Sorry.” It’s a weak excuse, and Keith knows it. He was just so lost in thought that he completely forgot to check the road. 

 

“Of course you were. Think you’re gonna be able to make it out of the parking lot without hitting anyone?” Lance asks. 

 

Keith reddens. “Yeah, I’m fine. Really, seriously. So you should just… go. Seriously.”

 

Lance smirks. “Sure, whatever you say, Song.” Then he points at Pidge. “Hey, you’re in charge.” And he walks away. 

 

“Didn’t know you knew Lance McClain,” Pidge says. Oh shit, Keith had completely forgotten she was here. 

 

“I’m not going to comment on that.”

 

Pidge nods slowly. “A wise decision.”

 

*****   
*****

 

The next Saturday, Pidge has joined Keith on the couch, watching  _ Buzzfeed Unsolved _ . 

 

“What do you think Shiro is doing tonight?” Keith wonders.

 

“Crack,” Pidge voice comes from the other side of the couch. She is hanging upside down, her glasses thrown somewhere on the table. 

 

Confused, Keith lifts his head. “Why would you say that?”

 

“It’s how Scottish people say fun. Like, you’re a good craic. I looked it up.”

 

A pause. “It’s weird not having her here, huh?” Keith says.

 

Pidge pushes herself up on her elbows. “It’s weird not having Adam here, too.” 

They continue watching Unsolved, coming up with theories themselves. But then, Pidge says, “What was up with that guy you almost killed the other day?”

 

Keith shrugs. “I don’t know. He’s dating Nyma.”

 

“So? It’s not just that.” Pidge bites her lip, looking for the right words. “Don’t you find it kinda depressing that it’s Saturday night, and you’re having a  _ Buzzfeed Unsolved _ marathon with me?”

 

“No. I love  _ Buzzfeed Unsolved _ and I love hanging out with you,” Keith says. 

 

Pidge smiles a little. Although she often acts like she doesn’t have feelings, Keith damn well knows she does. “Okay. I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad, but I’m fourteen and I cancelled plans to be with you tonight. And you’re sixteen, and I don’t think you had anything else going on.”

 

Scratch that part. Pidge doesn’t know anything about feelings, apparently, because Keith is  _ hurt _ . “That was way harsh, Pidge.”

 

“The truth hurts, Keith.”

  
  


Later that evening, Keith is woken up by Pidge because he has fallen asleep on the sofa. When he heads to his room, he notices the light in his room is still on. He doesn’t think it was on when he left it, but he doesn’t think it’s that weird.

After all, who could have been in his room?

 

*****   
*****

 

Keith likes PE. It allows him to run as fast as he can and show off in soccer and fencing. Romelle, however, doesn’t like PE at all. 

When their class is running around the field, she falls behind a little on Keith, so he slows down.

 

“What did you…  do last night?” she asks. Talking is probably not the best for her, as she can barely handle talking while standing still. But she manages anyway.

 

“I finished another book. Was good.” Keith tries to explain the plot, but after a couple of sentences he sees his explanation is completely lost on Romelle. 

He tries to explain it a little better, but he’s interrupted by another voice.

 

Lance jogs behind him. “Hey! Can I talk to you?”

 

Keith turns around while running. Probably not his smartest idea, but he’ll just go with it. “Uh, me?” The epitome of intelligence, ladies and gentlemen. 

 

Lance nods. 

 

“Hey, LM, I heard my cousin dumped you for a college student, that true?” Romelle says breathlessly. 

 

“I heard you have a tail, is that true, Elle?” Lance mocks. 

 

But Romelle just laughs. “Yep, really cute. Like a little piggy.” She imitates a pig.

 

Lance waves his hand in Keith’s direction. “I need to talk to Keifers over here. Alone,” he adds, when Romelle doesn’t move. 

 

“Huh.” ROmelle begins to jog toward the entrance of the school. “If you need be, I’ll be in the nurse’s office, with a migraine, Googling Justin Trudeau shirtless.”

 

When she’s gone off, Lance turns to Keith, looking rather uncomfortable. “Look, I just wanted to say that I really--I appreciate it, but it’s never going to happen.”

 

That must have been one of the  _ last _ things Keith expected to come out of Lance’s mouth. “I’m sorry, what?”

“From what I remember, that kiss was hot. For being in seventh grade. And I think it’s really cool that you think my eyes are a forget-me-not blue…” 

 

As Lance rambles on, Keith’s eyes wander to the envelope in his hand. He sees what looks a page of his notebook sticking out of it. Scratch that, that’s  _ definitely _ a page from his notebook. 

Oh god. His notebook.

 

Everything Lance says flows to the background of Keith’s world. “It’s just, Nyma and I are in a really weird place right now. I don’t know what you hoped to accomplish. Woah!”

 

The last word is yelled, and it is the last thing Keith hears before he falls onto the ground and everything goes black. 

  
  


Memories of The Kiss™ in seventh grade fly before his eyes. Someone is talking to him, he registers. And suddenly--

 

“Wake up!”

 

Keith pushes himself up onto his elbows, the world turning around him. “What happens?” he slurs. 

 

“You fainted,” Lance says. Keith nods. Processing this information is too much trouble right now. Lance keeps saying stuff, like “Here, give me your hand.” and “The other one, too.” and “We got this, here you go. Do you maybe want some water?”

 

“No, I’m okay,” Keith says. He touches the back of his head. Surprisingly his small ponytail is still in place. His gaze wanders to the fence of the sports field, where he spots Adam. To his surprise, Adam is also holding an envelope with a letter that looks just a little too similar for comfort. 

 

“Oh my god,” Keith says as he realises what’s about to happen. Adam will walk up to him and will expect Keith to have an answer for this crazy shit. “Oh my god.”

Keith grabs Lance by the back of his neck and pushes him to the ground, so he’s hovering above Lance. 

 

“Oh, okay. What?” he sputters.

Other students run around the track and pass them, a sea of feet and sports leggings. Keith does the only thing he can think of and kisses Lance passionately. It only lasts for seconds, before the coach notices them. 

 

“Hey! Stop that!” he yells. “Two more laps for you, Song!”

 

Keith slowly gets up and searches Lance’s face for any sign of disgust or other emotions. Surprisingly, Keith only finds him shocked and confused. “Wait, what…?”

 

“Thank you,” Keith says, before fully getting up and jogging away. He ignores the coach’s yelling about the laps, sprints past Adam and ignores his stuttering. He misses how Adam turns around to look at Lance, probably the most confused he’s ever been. 

 

*****   
*****   
  


Keith is panicking and there is only one place where he can go. He runs to the toilets. When he arrives--the stalls completely empty, luckily--he quickly shuts the door and breathes in and out a few times. 

The door of the room slowly creaks open.

 

“Keith Song, you in there?” a voice says. He recognises it, of course. 

 

Keith shuts his eyes, as if that would help him from getting discovered. “No.”

 

Footsteps. A hand shoves a page under the door. A page of his notebook, of course, addressed to Acxa. 

  
  


He knows Acxa from Homecoming. He even remembers that night very well. Human Right _by The Strike was playing. He awkwardly walked up to Acxa._

 

_ “Hi,” he says. She simply nods and invites him to sit next to her. Her short black hair is held together by a headband, but some locks are still standing up. They don’t say much, just complimenting each other’s clothes.  _

 

_ “Do you maybe wanna dance?” Keith asks.  _

 

_ “I never thought you’d ask,” Acxa says before getting up and grabbing his hand.  _

  
  


“Look, I didn’t mean to barge in on you,” present time Acxa says. “I just saw you run in here and I wanted to make sure you were okay, and, uh… I thought you might want that letter back. It seemed personal.” 

 

“Acxa, know that I wrote this years ago.” Keith folds the page tinier and tinier. It’s something he always does when he’s anxious. 

 

“Freshman Homecoming, right?” Acxa asks. 

 

Keith opens the door of his stall. 

 

“I had a lot of fun that night, too. But I feel like I should tell you, though. You know I’m gay, right?” 

 

Keith does not. “Yes, of course I did.”

 

“But don’t, like, tell anyone. I’m out and all, don’t get me wrong. I’m not ashamed. My parents know. It’s just…”

 

“High school,” Keith finishes. Acxa nods. 

 

*****   
*****

 

The rest of the day is one of the most painfully long days Keith has ever lived. He has to avoid Lance and Adam, which is harder than he expected. He drives home fast, and as soon as he has parked his bike, he runs upstairs. He throws open the door of his closet and shoves all his hoodies out. His notebook falls out the closet along with it.

 

Huh. That’s strange. 

 

But when he flips through it, he notices the five pages about crushes are gone. 

 

Running down the stairs, he yells, “Have you seen five pages from a notebook lying around? I really need them!”

 

Krolia gives him a look from the kitchen. “No ‘hi, mum’ or, ‘why are you home so early?’ Maybe because--” 

 

“I really need to know where they are, okay?” Keith interrupts her. 

 

“I don’t know, sweetheart. Maybe someone threw them out along with the magazines?”

 

“Ugh!” Keith runs upstairs again.

  
  


The letters are out. They’re out, and there’s nothing he can do about it. Silver lining, Rolo’s letter is addressed to the bunks at camp, so at least he’ll never find out how hard Keith was crushing on him. 

  
  


His mum yells from downstairs, “Keith, Adam is here!” 

 

Oh god. Keith opens the window and climbs out. But on the roof, he slips. He tumbles all the way down and lands on the grass with a thud. He parked his motorcycle on the other side of the house, he realises. But then Keith spots Pidge’s bike on her porch. He climbs over the fence and grabs the green bike. He’ll tell her about this later. 

 

It’s only a ten minute bike ride to his favourite cafe, Altea Cafe. He just really needs a milkshake right now. This day has been enough. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a kudos/comment if you liked it!
> 
> Tumblr: itotallyreadthatbook
> 
> see you next week!


	3. part iii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I know what to do! I can put my hand in your backpocket.”
> 
>  
> 
> “Hand in my back pocket? What the hell is that?” Keith asks.
> 
>  
> 
> “Don’t tell me you haven’t seen Sixteen Candles,” Lance says. “It’s the opening image.” He said this in a tone that made it very clear that Keith should probably know what the pocket-thing was.
> 
>  
> 
> Very clearly disappointed by Keith’s lack of knowledge, Lance continues. “You know what, you have to watch Sixteen Candles with me. It’s a classic. Another rule, we can never tell anyone this relationship is fake. It would be way too humiliating for the both of us.”
> 
>  
> 
> “Duh, first rule of Fight Club,” Keith says. When Lance does not react, he adds, “Oh, so it’s barbaric that I haven’t seen Sixteen Candles, but you haven’t seen Fight Club?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!! yes, I'm aware it has been two months. tbh, I kind of forgot about this. since finals week is over now, I will maybe write more. although we're already halfway through November, oops. I may have failed NaNoWriMo... 
> 
> also, in one of the former chapters, I noticed I wrote Josh instead of Adam. this is why you proofread your chapters, kids.

Altea Cafe is a white building with blue signs. Pidge always says the colour leans more towards a light green, or a mix of green and blue. Keith doesn’t try to argue with her on this subject. 

 

He drops his bike and makes his way inside. Maybe running from Adam wasn’t a good idea after all… But it happened, and there’s nothing he can do about it now. 

He gets his usual and aggressively stabs his drink with his straw. 

 

“Woah, what has that bubble tea done to you?” someone says. Keith’s head turns so fast he thinks he might have a whiplash, but all those thoughts are forgotten when he sees that the one and only Lance McClain is sitting on a bar stool next to him. 

 

Lance bobs his head. “Sup, Song.”

 

Allura, the waitress Keith knows best, turns her attention to them. “Anything for you friend, Keith?”

 

Keith shoots her a look. “He isn’t with me.”

 

Completely ignoring him, Lance says, “I’d like a chocolate shake, thanks.” Keith shoots him a look too. 

 

After Allura’s walked away, Keith figures he has to say something to make this not extremely weird. “So, what are you doing here?” he asks. 

 

“What do you mean?” Lance innocently says. “I’m just here to drink one of those delicious milkshakes.” Silence. “Actually, I stopped at your house and your mother said you’d probably be here. Look, I just want to be super clear.”

 

Oh no. This is not what Keith wants to hear today, not right now. “I’m flattered. I am. But Nyma and I just broke up, and I don’t think--” 

 

“Are you trying to reject me?” Keith says. Oh boy, this is awkward. 

 

Lance makes a face of disbelieve. “Well, it didn’t really seem like it took the first time?”

 

“Lance McClain, I’m not trying to date you,” Keith says. Another thing he didn’t think he’d say today. 

 

“See, you mouth is saying something, but your  _ mouth _ said something different.”

 

“What?”   
  


Lance doesn’t answer and takes a big gulp of his milkshake first. 

 

A deep sigh. Keith realises he actually has to do this. “Here’s the thing. I don’t really like you. I just had to make it look like I liked you so somebody else wouldn’t think I liked them.”

Does Lance know how hard it is for Keith to explain something when the other one involved in the conversation is slurping his milkshake in the most adorable way ever? 

He probably doesn’t, but whatever. 

 

“Who? You have to tell me who it is, otherwise I’m going to go on believing you have a gigantic poster of me hanging in your room or something,” Lance says. 

 

“No. Not happening.”   
  


“Or should I just tell the rest of the school that you wrote me a love letter?” 

Damn, why is Lance so smart?

 

“Okay. It’s Adam,” Keith confesses. 

 

Lance squints. “You gotta be a little more specific than that, I know at least four Adams.”

 

“Adam W. My next-door neighbour,” Keith explains. 

 

“Wait, doesn’t that guy date your brother?” Lance exclaims. Any louder and the entire cafe would know about Keith’s crush. 

 

“Dated, as in, past tense. And he also got a letter, so you can imagine how awkward and complicated that one is going to get if he thinks that I  _ actually _ like him--”

 

“Hold up. I am not the only guy that got a letter?” Lance says. He looks absolutely mind blown, as if this hadn’t come up in his mind. To which Keith can only say: fair enough. “You think you’re really special and then you find out that he wrote love letters to two guys.”

 

Keith leans away from Lance, who has come a lot closer in the past minute. “I wrote five letters, so don’t go feeling too special.”   
  


“Five?” Lance says loudly. People are actually starting to look their way now. “Who else did you write letters to?”

 

“If I tell you, will you leave me alone?” A last bargain. 

 

“Maybe.”   
  


Keith sighs. Well, his dignity was already gone before this conversation started, so this doesn’t matter anyway. “Acxa,” he begins.

 

“She’s gay,” Lance interrupts. “You’re gay.”

 

Keith rolls his eyes. “I know, okay. I just had a phase in Freshman Year. The other letters were to someone from Camp and someone I met in fifth grade. So, are we good here?” Keith grabs his phone, keys and wallet and stuffs them in his pocket. 

 

“We’re good,” Lance confirms. “Wait, one thing,” he says when Keith is about to walk away. “That green thing out front, is that your ride?”

 

Keith grins. “Yeah.” 

 

Slowly nodding, Lance stands up as well. “I could… give you a ride if you wanted.”

  
  


And that’s how Keith ends up in Lance’s car, although he’s still not completely sure why he said yes. 

 

“Thanks for driving me,” Keith says when they arrive at his house. “And I’m sorry for the whole jumping you thing.”

 

“It could have been worse, right? And what are you going to say to Adam?” Lance asks. 

 

Keith hadn’t thought about that, if he was being honest. “I guess I’m going to have to tell him the truth.”

 

“But, you know, what is the truth? Do you like him, do you not like him?”

 

Keith opens the door and jumps out of the car. “Not your problem, Lance.” His small ponytail bobs when he lands on the ground.

He parks the bike on Pidge’s porch and jumps over the fence to his house. But a hand on his shoulder stops him. 

 

“Wait, hold on,” Lance says. “What if… you didn’t tell him?”

 

Keith is so confused he can’t even think of words to say, except from, “What?”

 

And then Lance says something Keith had never expected he would say.“What if we let people think we’re actually together? Just for a little while. And not just Adam W, I mean everybody.”

 

“But why would you want that?” Keith doesn’t understand why anybody would be his boyfriend, willingly.

 

“Well, when Nyma heard you kissed me, she went nuts. And if she thinks that you and I are a thing, she’ll want to get back together,” Lance explains. 

 

So  _ that’s _ what this is about. Just a plan to get Nyma back. “So you wanna use me as your pawn?”

 

“Ah, well, technically you used me as your pawn first when you jumped me during gym class,” Lance smirks. He clearly thinks he’s so smart, that he has got this all figured out. “Look, you don’t have to give me an answer now, okay? Just think about it.”

 

Keith backs up until he reaches the front door. “Don’t hold your breath.” 

 

*****   
*****   
  
The remaining part of the weekend, Keith spends thinking about Lance. And also Adam. What effect would this have on him? 

When Keith sees the many missed calls he has from Adam, guilt creeps into his mind. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.

But on the other side, what can go wrong?

  
  


On Monday, Keith has a decision. He goes to the field where the lacrosse team--and with them, Lance--is currently training. He walks through the players, of whom two of them are fighting each other with their equipment. Lance is guarding the goal, resting his head against the pool.

 

“Hey, McClain!” Keith shouts. 

 

Lance removes the helmet that covers his face and comes closer. “What?”

 

“Let’s do this.”

 

Almost immediately after Keith said those words, Lance moves forward and kisses him. Well, that’s certainly something Keith did not see coming. At first, he’s not sure where to put his hands, so he holds Lance’s arm. When Lance pulls away, Keith is unable to move for a solid second. He half turns around, wind blowing in his hair. He turns back, realising it would be weird for him to just walk away.

 

“I’m going to class.” He shoves his hands in the pockets of his red jacket. “Carry on.”

 

Lance laughs at his awkwardness. “Have a nice day, Song. See you later.”

 

*****   
*****   
  
During break, Keith and Lance are sitting under a blossom tree. Keith pulls out a notebook and flips to a page that’s empty.

 

“First things first, we need to have a contract so we’re on the same page about the rules,” he explains. 

 

“Rules? Quiznak, you really know how to zap the fun out of a situation,” Lance mumbles. 

 

Trying not to show he’s hurt, Keith hides his face behind his hair. “I think it’s important to know where you stand on certain situations.”

 

Lance takes a sip of his drink. “Like what?”

 

“For example, I don’t want you to kiss me anymore,” Keith quietly says. 

 

Another sip. “Are you crazy? Who’s gonna believe we’re in a relationship if we never kiss?”

 

Keith hates that he has to explain this. He really doesn’t like opening up to people, especially people he doesn’t know all that much. “You might know what you’re doing, but I’ve never had a boyfriend before.”

 

“And how does that matter?” Lance leans back so he’s almost draped over the table. 

 

“Well, it matters, because I don’t want all my firsts to be fake. If I’m going to be making out with someone, I want to do it for real.”

 

Lance sighs. “Fine. But we need to figure something out, because if I’m not allowed to touch you, people are going to get suspicious.”

 

Keith rolls his eyes. “I hate it that you do have a point.” Pointedly ignoring Lance’s exaggerated wink, he says, “I can’t think of anything though. I’m not that much of a romantic.” He is, of course, a romantic. But he isn’t about to tell Lance that. 

 

Suddenly, Lance’s eyes shine brightly, as if God himself has descended and whispered the best idea in his ear. “I know what to do! I can put my hand in your backpocket.”

 

Wait,  _ what _ ? “Hand in my back pocket? What the hell is that?” Keith asks. 

 

“Don’t tell me you haven’t seen  _ Sixteen Candles _ ,” Lance says. “It’s the opening image.” He said this in a tone that made it very clear that Keith should probably know what the pocket-thing was. 

 

“So, it was like, a couples thing in the 70s?” 

 

Lance is very clearly disappointed by Keith’s lack of knowledge. “The 80’s. You know what,” he grabs the notebook Keith is writing in and adds something to the list of rules. “You have to watch  _ Sixteen Candles _ with me. It’s a classic. Another rule, we can never tell anyone this relationship is fake. It would be way too humiliating for the both of us.”

 

“Duh, first rule of _Fight Club_ ,” Keith says. When Lance does not react, he adds, “Oh, so it’s barbaric that I haven’t seen _Sixteen_ _Candles_ , but you haven’t seen _Fight Club_?” 

 

Lance sits down at the picnic table and swings his legs over the bench. “Write it down, then. Double feature. After we watch mine movie, we’ll watch yours.”

Keith grabs the notebook from Lance’s hands. Because he had written the  _ Candles _ rule while he was standing up, his handwriting is all messed up. Keith neatly adds the other rules to the list. “Anything else?”

 

Lance hesitates. “I could, um, I could write you notes,” he says awkwardly. Almost like he is embarrassed suggesting it. 

 

That is such a sweet idea that even Keith’s heart melts. “You’d do that?”

 

Lance shrugs. “Nyma always wanted me to write them, so it would be a good revenge.”

 

And with that sentence, Keith is reminded of what they’re really doing here. Of course he was aware that they were not  _ actually _ in love, but it was nice to pretend. But when Lance brings up Nyma, he gets this uneasy feeling in his stomach. 

 

“So if I start sending these notes to you, she’ll be pissed. It will be good,” Lance continues. 

 

“How romantic,” Keith remarks. 

 

Somehow, Lance has found other things to add to the list. “Also, you have to come to all my swimming games and parties.”

 

“Well, then  _ you _ have to help me clean my bike,” Keith says. 

 

Lance grumbles. “Fine. But you’re coming with me on the ski trip.”

  
  


The Voltron High ski trip was famous for being the location where more students lost their virginity than Senior week and Prom combined. Keith has never been, obviously. And also… 

  
  


“That’s three months away, do you think we are still going to be doing this?” he asks. 

 

Lance shrugs. “Don’t know. But no one in their right mind is gonna let their boyfriend go without them, so if we are still doing this by the time it comes around, you should go with me.”

 

Keith was certain that by the time the ski trip will come around, he and Lance will be ancient history. “Okay, deal.”

 

They both sign the contract and shake on it.

 

*****   
*****   
  
October arrives, and so does Lance with his cleaning kit. He actually showed up to help Keith clean his bike. Pidge drops by for a couple of minutes, apparently she knows the guy who is Lance’s best friend, the guy Keith saw with the headband from his Physics class. 

  
  


One day, Lance is chilling on Keith’s porch while they’re eating lunch. “What is that?” Lance asks, pointing to Keith’s Yakult.

 

“Korean yoghurt smoothie,” he says. He offers a sip to Lance. 

 

“Damn, that’s really good! What do I have to do to get you to bring me one of these tomorrow, to school?”

 

“You want me to sit with you during lunch?” Keith asks. 

 

“Of course,” Lance smiles, “you’re my boyfriend now. Boyfriends should sit together during lunch.”

  
  


The next day, Keith is realising what it actually means to be with someone so popular as Lance McClain. He was used to being invisible, but people were looking at him now. Whether they do because they didn’t know he was gay or because he had a handsome boyfriend, he hadn’t decided yet. 

Lance’s hand is firmly in Keith’s backpocket. By the time they’re in the middle of the cafeteria, he tugs on it so Keith spins around. He bumps against Lance’s chest with an ‘oof’. 

 

He smiles. “What are you doing?” 

 

Lance discreetly hands Keith a note with a little heart drawn onto it, clearly ripped from his Maths notebook. “This is for you.”

 

From the corner of his eye, Keith can see how Nyma’s mouth falls open. She is seated at a table near them. Lance must have spotted them too, because he grins. 

 

“Good job. I’ll see you in a bit, okay?”

 

It’s weird to be congratulated on doing nothing more than accepting a note, but Keith nods anyways. Keith guesses this is where his life has taken me. 

 

As he walks out of the cafeteria, he’s startled when someone grabs his arm. 

 

Romelle pushes him into the nearest empty classroom. “This McClain thing is insane! Who knew you had a secret boner for the king of the cafeteria crowd?”

 

“Believe me, it was a surprise for me too,” Keith says. 

 

Tilting her head, Romelle asks, “What does Shiro think of it?”

 

“To be honest, I have been avoiding his calls. He doesn’t know yet.”

 

Keith knows this is a disaster waiting to happen. After all, who knows how Shiro will react?

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: itotallyreadthatbook
> 
> see you next chapter! it will hopefully be updating sooner than this one lmao
> 
> thanks for reading :D leave a comment/kudos if you liked it

**Author's Note:**

> leave a kudos/comment if you liked it! as you're probably aware, comments feed an author's soul. 
> 
> head over to my Tumblr for more content: itotallyreadthatbook


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